Last Friday until Saturday I had an enjoyable trip at Kuala Selangor with a group of my friends who used to join in the Catholic Students’ Society and also whom I was close with during my studying years in the university. Although the purpose was to discuss our future plans for the team for the whole year, it did create some sense enthusiasm in me. One thing was in terms of speaking out our minds and tried to brainstorm on our acts and objectives. It was something that I seldom do in the office since my purpose was to follow what the superiors said in order to get things done. I also think that most of the time in the working world, we live in such pretence. Trying to please everyone and trying to avoid of getting into trouble. Once in a while, I did question myself whether my own colleagues treat me as a friend or just a tool of doing things out of favor since all of us are paid to do the work in dealing other people’s problems. Yes, it was definitely a sad feeling. Of course, I understand others do have their own problems too and that is why they treated you in a ‘harsh’ manner. Therefore, I just kept my distance and if possible I don’t really want to get too involved by not joining in groups too often.
I had made my wrong step recently when I get too close to one of my colleague. As she left to another company, I felt quite depressed for not being able to see her again. Yet, I was happy for her that she was able to go to greener pastures. Heh, as if it’s the end.
Back to the trip last weekend, I voiced out my sharing and my true feelings on my life. I embarrassed myself in voicing out in which I didn’t plan to say it out but I guess I just couldn’t take it anymore. No, I’m not going to the extent of suicide. Just the sad feeling of loneliness and not being able to share and talk freely to a friend. Especially with someone who have things in common. All in all, it felt good to talk it out. Perhaps I’m just being human. I cannot live a life forcing myself through without feelings and stay enthusiastic for a long period. In way, I felt I was just killing myself inside. Losing the essence of my real self. That is why I decided to walk out of the arena for a while and tried to reflect on what I’m doing and trying to make another turn on how I should live my life. It did bring back the old memories in my university years where I took a real turn in joining societies where I was not encouraged by my parents.
Now, I’m trying out a new path on the spiritual side and stay committed to my recent group of friends. For sure, I don’t doubt their sincereness because I cooperated with them and being with them for a few years in uni. As in the office, I have been true to myself and happy with it. The only thing is to treat my colleagues as a part of the team in working together. Getting too emotionally involved will only break your heart as they leave the company. To be honest, I do feel lost for a while when they left and have to reattached with another group of friends. Well, just go with the flow of work. What the office wants is efficiency and your performance so that the company can gain more money as well as staying alive. That is what local asian companies are like… they try to save more money by controlling your pay and the amount of workers. They depend too much on the local economy and if anything goes wrong, God knows what happen. That is how people around us live so much in fear. As I think deeply, it is sad that we in Malaysia live so much in fear. Start from schooling years until in the working world, we have been scared with everything. Well, that’s how interesting life can be….simply try to bear with it.