Apr 11, 2009

To live is to die is to live

The Lenten journey has ended and now it's almost the end of the Holy Week. It was a journey filled with reflection and realization about myself and my relationship God. A tough time for me as I realize that this particular layer had been with me for a very long time. I know that I had it with me but I generally brush it off my mind most of the time until recently.
In meditating the washing of the feet last night, I cannot put myself to accept someone like Jesus to do it (neither do I at that moment). The word betrayal keeps on ringing in my mind. Looking deeper into it, my life have been filled hatred and anger. If I can make the person suffer because of the pain he inflicted into me and others, I will. I don't recall in doing it but when I watch him or her suffer, there's no trace of sympathy felt by me. I even said "He/She deserves it".
It shocked my parents and some of my close friends. I was even happy seeing myself of being heartless(I know I'm a sick person). Refuse to forgive, it made me work harder to overcome the 'negative statements' given by my betrayers and also to prove them wrong that I am not of that sort. Refuse to break my 'water face' (known as pride), I killed off everything possible that I used to love and focus on getting back at the person. I sacrificed almost everything I have just because of my pride, my inability to forgive and kept record of my betrayers. It's hell and it's funny that there's no tinge of happiness or gladness in me when I see those people suffer.
A simple notion of Jesus washing his disciple's feet cringed me. His act to forgive and to die on the cross for the sins of others is unbearable. As of last night, God died and my mind went blank that He managed to lose his pride and allow the pain inflicted upon Him.
A harsh reality I have to do and to face, "It's time to let it go". What becomes of me now is not me anymore. But an empty shell.

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