A close friend shared of her difficulties of her new job. I felt for her of her frustrations and depression at that moment and till now it made me think back of the past.
I was not proud of I did in my previous job and there were a few nights I actually cried in bed because of some stupid decision or action to do what I thought was right. At the same time, I wanted to achieve the best I could as an engineer. Somehow, it wasn't enough and voices in my head kept on telling me that I wasn't good enough. I tried harder and went home much later which was the same as the other engineers in the line. I did manage to fix and achieve some results but I was not really satisfied of what the managers said to me. Either I was told I have time management problems or I need to learn more to get things done faster. But then, I couldn't accept the compliment they gave anyway as someone told me I purposely wanted it. So then, the first few years I do things without thinking about a life I wanted.
Days, weeks and years passed... things were about the same but I changed to someone whom I didn't want to see myself was. I wore the same black jacket everyday and couldn't care much about my outlook. I also became sarcastic and mean to people around me except for a few who were quite new to the job as I knew it was already hard for them to work in. I stopped crying for self pity instead what I felt was filled with hatred. Even those had experienced some misfortune, I openly said they deserve it. I hated almost everything around me at work. In truth I hated myself for what I was as well since I couldn't achieve anything. At that time, I definitely think that my capabilities weren't as good as I always thought.
Only the time when I decided to leave(without a job), a bargain was given to me plus a compliment that I was an asset to the company. It angered even more of how I was cheated that they wanted me to feel guilty and miserable in order to work harder. The excuse I had was that the manager me couldn't see all his subordinates most of the time and couldn't expect him to understand everyone. Probably he was right.
I made a mistake as well that I depend so much on others to decide how I should work to make everyone happy. So, I decided to get out of the shell and get connected with old friends again and became more open to my colleagues. I took things slowly to do the things I wanted and can do. It was hard as I live with a negative mentality for a number of years(and up to now I tend to go there once in a while).
All in all, things get better and I was glad that I'm out of the woods. It was partly the Wednesday Group that helped me psychologically and spiritually in my times of need, my family who supported my decisions when I made a point to move on and a few colleagues whohad a way of cheering me up and advising me. Somehow, all the important things that I wanted were not exactly I dreamt of but it's already here. What was needed was to be more aware of it.